


The Love We Think We Deserve

by everyperfectsummer



Series: Coldwave week [6]
Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Child Abuse, M/M, Past Abuse, featuring Mick protecting Len...from himself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-17
Updated: 2017-08-21
Packaged: 2018-12-16 14:38:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11830818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everyperfectsummer/pseuds/everyperfectsummer
Summary: There are two possibilities, and both break Len's heart.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please note that being abused is not Len’s fault, just as it is /never/ an abuse victim’s fault irl. Kk?  
> Warnings for abuse, unhealthy coping behaviors, and unhealthy relationship dynamics as a result of past abuse.  
> With thanks to snarkysnartes over on tumblr for the help.

Society is made of unspoken rules. One of those rules is this: once someone hurts you, they have to be kind to you afterwards. 

 

Correction: once someone who loves you hurts you. Len’s not an idiot; he knows the rule doesn’t apply to everyone. When the criminals he works and fights with succeed in hurting him, their reaction is to either run away or try to kill him while he’s down. But for people who love him – his dad, Lisa’s mom, some of his exes – the rule works.  

 

His first serious bruise resulted in a giant chocolate cupcake all to himself, and, more importantly, with Dad being sweet and attentive and asking if he was ok. The only times Dad was ever really nice and caring was after he’d hurt one of the family, and for all that he hates getting hurt he loved the aftermath, and still does. One of his exes, Liam, had split open the side of Len’s face once, and then afterwards had brought disinfectant and bandaids and asked how Len was feeling and brought him his favorite foods and let him pick the tv show to watch while they cuddled on the couch as Len recovered. And it’s weak and dumb, he knows that, ok, but – it’s nice, to recieve that sort of care.

 

So when he gets together with Mick, and Mick gets mad at him, Len waits for him to snap and hurt him with a mixture of hope, dread, and guilt for feeling hopeful because god, how fucked up is he, to want his boyfriend to abuse him?

 

But Mick never does, not until the Waverider. Not until Len abandoned him, and left him to be tortured and brainwashed. Mick will barely speak to him now, certainly doesn’t forgive him, and so when Len walks into the cell it’s not in the hope of kindness but in the hope of forgiveness, that this will make things ok again.

 

It doesn’t. Sure, Mick’s talking to him again, but barely. They’re sleeping in the same bed again, but they’re not cuddling or kissing or whispering idle three am thoughts. They’re just stiffly staring at separate sections of the ceiling until they finally drop off to sleep.

 

Len still hurts, still has visible bruises from what Mick did, but the sight of them doesn’t make Mick’s face go guilty, doesn’t make him act sweet or be kind, and that hurts much more than the bruises do.

 

There are two possibilities. The first is that Len had damaged their relationship so irreparably by abandoning Mick that this is Mick being extra nice to Len, that things would be even worse otherwise. The second, worse possibility is this: that Mick no longer loves him. Len pushes that option to the back of his mind, and tries to figure out what to do next.

 

He does everything he can do be nice to Mick; fixes up the heat gun, smuggles matches aboard, takes him to go see an explosion, all things that used to make Mick happy. But the Time Masters seem to have stolen his pyromania along with everything else, and for all that pyromania has robbed Mick of a number of things, first and foremost his family, it’s an essential part of who Mick is.

 

Not that Len’s completely the same either, after the Oculus explosion, having now had both his hands lost and miraculously replaced. Neither of them feel right, feel like his, even though there’s nothing technically wrong with them. (He should know, he’s had Gideon check enough times.)

 

But, over time, things heal. Things aren’t the same in their partnership any more than Len’s hands are the same but – they’re improving.

 

They get even better when Len gets injured on a mission, Mick carrying him back to the ship and pacing back and forth in the Medbay as Gideon patches him back up. Len’s leg takes a few days to recover, even with help from Gideon, and Mick – Mick is kind to him in a way that Len hasn’t seen since before Rip collected them, that night on the roof. Mick brings him food, and blankets, and carries him from place to place, and cuddles with him, the two of them spooning at night instead of staring at different parts of the ceiling.

 

It’s good, and it’s proof the rule is still in effect, even though Mick’s not the one who hurt him. It’s proof that Mick still love him, despite what Len’s done to him, to them. It’s fucked up, and he knows it’s fucked up, but - it also makes him happy, for the first time in months.

 

Which leads him to make a horrible mistake.

 

He and Mick are sparing, no big deal, they do it all the time and have for years, when Mick directs a punch towards Len’s face. And he could dodge it, easily, but he also thinks about how Mick forgave him after the cell fight, and was kind after the leg injury, and part of him wants to just let Mick hit him and see if that makes Mick angry or nice afterwards. He’s still debating options when the first hits him square in the face, with less force than it should have had because Mick realized Len wasn’t going to duck at the last second and tried to pull it.

 

“Len,” Mick says, “I’m so sorry, I thought you’d duck –”

 

“Didn’t want to,” Len says, words coming out of his mouth against his wishes because his stupid brain thinks that Mick is  _ safe _ and safe apparently means having no goddamn filter.

 

“Len,” Mick says, eyes wide and horrified and realization visibly dawning in them, “what the fuck did you just do?”

 

Mick’s voice isn’t what Len was expecting, isn’t angry or kind but rather sad, and Len doesn’t know how to handle that.

 

“I didn’t –” he says, before deciding against it, deciding not to lie.

 

“You let me hit you,” Mick says, still sounding both horrified and sad. “Len, I could have really hurt you. I  _ did _ hurt you.”

 

“That was the point,” Len spits out, because he’s already spilled the beans and might as well tell him everything, “I just - I wanted you to. So that you’d be nice to me, afterwards, to make up for it.”

 

“Oh, Len, love,” Mick says, heartbroken, “that’s not...you deserve better love than that. Not love that’s making up for something, but love all the time.”

 

Len rolls his lips between his teeth and stares at the floor, not wanting to look at Mick.

 

“Len, please, I love you,” Mick says, and Len feels the familiar warmth that comes from hearing those words, “and I’m sorry that I’m not showing that well enough, for you to think you need this, but I do love you. If you need me to show it more, or differently, then we can work something out, ok?”

 

Len, still biting his lips together, nods again.

 

“Look,” Mick says, voice strained, “I love you, and the team loves you, and whatever care it is you were expecting to get after I hurt you, you have a right to that without being hurt. Just ask me. Ok?”

 

“Ok,” Len says, voice more wobbly than he’d like. “Ok.”

 

Mick reaches out a hand towards him, tentative, and Len reaches forward with both hands and squeezes, as though he’s holding onto their relationship instead of their hands.

 

“I’m sorry,” he says, and Mick squeezes his hand, face heartbroken.

 

“I’m sorry too. Next time you want love or care or attention, please just talk to me, ok? Promise me?”

 

Len looks at Mick’s earnest gaze, and then down at their clasped hands. “Ok,” he promises. “I will.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy eclipse day/fan creator appreciation day! Mick and Len discuss their issues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on the comment from nirejseki "I want more, I want Len confessing his terror of not being loved after the Kronos thing and Mick's response, I want Mick to talk about the Oculus and his pryomania and all that..!" which ate my brain and is to blame for this.  
> Takes place in an alternate universe where Mick and Len talk about their feelings.  
> Betaed by the lovely Liu, who is a spectacular writer and a wonderful friend.

They’re sitting on Len’s bunk, which has long since become theirs rather than Len’s, with Mick staring at Len and Len staring at his hands, until Mick breaks the silence.

 

“Len, love, look. We need to talk – not in a bad way,” Mick hastily reassures him, seeing the look on his face, “but we need to communicate about our issues. So that we can make this work.” Mick looks down. “I mean. If you  _ do _ still want to make this work. I’m not the same as I was before the Time Masters, so…” he trails off, before adding, quietly, “I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t.” Len reaches forward, grabbing Mick’s hard.

 

“No, Mick, love, don’t think that, I do still want this, want  _ you _ , ok?” He starts rubbing his thumb in circles on the back of Mick’s hand. “If we’re going to talk about issues, why don’t we start with yours?”

 

“I know you’re trying to avoid us talking about your stuff, but we do have to talk about mine sometime, so...eh,” Mick says, before taking a deep breath. “You know how I used to have pyromania?”

 

Len nods, still rubbing circles.

 

“That was one of the first things they cured.” He laughs, sounding bitter rather than mirthful, and Len’s chest aches to hear it. “Can’t be a good assassin if you’re that easily distracted. But. Yeah.” 

 

He pulls his lighter out of his pocket with the hand Len’s not holding, and flicks it on, holding it next to his face without looking at it. “This doesn’t help, anymore. And I know you’ve been trying to help, by bringing me lighters and matches and stuff to burn, but. It hurts more than it helps, to have the reminder.”

 

Len feels his stomach twist as he starts to feel physically ill from guilt, from everything that he’s stolen from Mick.

 

“I’m not the same person I was, before Kronos,” Mick says. “I was a puppet for a long time.” He bites his lip and then says, “I’m not ever going to be the Mick Rory you used to know again.”

 

Len feels bile rise in his throat, because he did this,  _ he did this _ to Mick. For all that he didn’t want to be his father, he still hurt the person he loved more than anything, left him to be tortured, left him to change irrevocably. “I’m sorry,” he says, not meeting Mick’s eyes. 

 

Micks takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly, and puts away the lighter. “You left me, and that hurts, and I still have nightmares about it. Probably will for a long time.” Len’s stomach clenches. “But it’s  _ done _ . You can’t undo it or make it go away. What you –  _ we _ – need to do is learn from it and move on. Lesson number one: we need to talk more. Talk for real. So shit like that doesn’t happen again.”

 

Len stares down at where his thumb is still rubbing circles and tries to not let his voice wobble as he says, “‘Kay.”

 

“What about you?” Mick asks. “You feeling like the same Leonard Snart who got picked up by Rip Hunter?” His tone tells Len that he already knows the answer.

 

Unconsciously, Len’s fake hands – real hands, they’re real even if they don’t feel like his – clench up.

 

Mick misinterprets the motion. “Hey,” he says softly. “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

 

Len shakes his head.”I – I don’t feel the same. Physically, my hands are exactly the same as they were but they don’t feel like mine.” He then admits something he hasn’t told anyone, even Gideon. “Sometimes I could swear I feel my old hands, feel them hurting, feel them touching things, but they aren’t there and I just want them  _ back.” _

 

Len’s not sure who moves first, but suddenly he and Mick are hugging, damp spreading on both of their shirts because both of them are crying, both mourning what they and their lover have lost.

 

Gradually, their tears die out, and Mick moves to kiss Len on the nose and then moves backwards, out of the hug.

 

“Now, you want to tell me what this whole thing is with getting hurt?” Mick says, and Len immediately resumes staring at his hands as though they can explain it to Mick instead of him. “We can do this another time, love,” Mick says, “but we do need to talk about it.”

 

Len steels himself and then says, “I thought. I thought you might not love me anymore. Not after Kronos.” He tries to keep his voice steady, and hopes Mick doesn’t notice the slight wobble.

 

“Oh, Len.”

 

And then somehow it feels like a dam being opened, and everything comes tumbling out. “You hurt me and I  _ was covered in bruises _ and you weren’t nice to me and – if you hurt someone you love, you have to be nice to them, after,” Len explains, “that’s the  _ rules _ . And you weren’t nice, and that meant either you would’ve been much worse or you didn’t love me anymore, and I. I couldn’t deal with that,” he finishes, staring resolutely over Mick’s shoulder, trying to pretend that his eyes aren’t damp.

 

“Len,” Mick says in a voice as wobbly as Len’s, “I love you, and I’m sorry that you thought I didn’t, and those rules – people who love you shouldn’t hurt you, ok? It’s fucked up.”

 

Len flinches, knowing that Mick’s right, that he’s fucked in the head when it comes to love, and Mick shakes his head.

 

“Not your fault, ok? Not your fault. Just. Next time you want me to be nicer to you, tell me what you need and I’ll try and deliver, ok?” Now  _ he’s _ the one rubbing small circles on Len’s hand. “Ok, Len?”

 

Len nods.

 

“Is there something you want from our relationship that you’re not getting?” Mick asks, voice soft despite its roughness. “Like, in general?”

 

Len’s mind blanks out, torn between asking for the world and assuring Mick that things as they are are fine, despite the evidence to the contrary.

 

Seeing that Len’s overwhelmed, Mick tries a different question. “Do you need anything from me right now?” he asks instead, and Len considers, not wanting to ask for too much but not wanting to dismiss Mick’s concern. 

 

“Another hug?” he suggests, and Mick opens his arms and leans in. 

 

“That I can do, but. When you think of other stuff, let me know, ok?”

 

Len nods into Mick’s shirt. “Ok.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please feed the author?

**Author's Note:**

> Why get therapy when you can write fic about your problems instead. *fingerguns*  
> This is also based off a recent convo with same dear friend.  
> I am very nervous about this one please be kind!


End file.
